


Karmic Payback

by speccygeekgrrl



Series: MST3K Alternate Universes [24]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teachers, Gen, It's fun writing them bickering instead of getting along, Prompt Fic, a little bit A.P. Bio fusion with Max as the principal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 17:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17513072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: One period in the teacher's lounge at Gizmonic High. A classroom pet gone awry, an incipient migraine, a little bit of casual food stealing, and a group of teachers that may or may not actually be friends, it's hard to tell.





	Karmic Payback

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paycheckgurl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paycheckgurl/gifts).



> I was taking combo prompts on Pillowfort, and Paycheckgurl asked for "Teacher AU" and "I didn't mean to turn you on". It's a bit light on the second, but I had a lot of fun with the first.

"Not _again_ ," Max sighed as he walked into the teacher's lounge to find Donna on her knees in front of the couch. "What did you lose this time?"

"Leopard gecko," she said, reaching underneath the furniture blindly. "I don't know how he ran this far! Speedy little son of a bitch."

"You need to stop letting your students handle the animals," Jonah said from the table where he was picking at a microwaved lunch bowl with a distracted look.

"It wasn't a student."

"Then you need to stop handling the animals with your classroom door open."

"Oh, yes, talk to me as if I have no idea what I'm doing, that's a great look on you, you enormous dork," Donna said, and Jonah made an offended sound and pressed a hand to his chest.

"You wound me."

"Not yet, but I easily could," Donna muttered, and Max sighed.

"Can we stop the departmental infighting? Isn't the power of science enough to bind us all together?"

"No," Jonah and Donna chorused, and Jonah went on, "she's barely qualified to teach biology, she's a zoologist."

"As if you actually consider yourself a physicist and not a down on his luck roboticist slumming it as a teacher!"

"Stop," Max said. "Neither of you are technically qualified to teach high school, and it was dumb of me to hire both of you." Donna froze with a gasp, and Max rolled his eyes and moved next to the couch. "You know this is easier if you move the furniture than if you reach under it."

"Not if I'm doing it alone," Donna said, getting up from the floor and dusting off her knees. "This floor is disgusting, what do you pay the janitors for?"

"Cleaning up after teenagers, what do you think I pay them for?" Max waited for Donna to move and then pushed the couch away from the wall to reveal one temperamental lizard that bolted as soon as it was revealed.

"Oh no you don't, you little bastard—!" Donna lunged and missed the gecko entirely, then swore when the door to the lounge swung open and it darted for the hall.

"Again?" Kinga scoffed, bending to scoop the lizard up as she came into the room, one smooth motion that ended with her holding the gecko in one hand and frowning down at it. "Seriously, Donna, close the door to your classroom before you open the cages, why is that so hard for you to remember?"

"How did you do that?" Donna demanded, cheeks slightly pink as Kinga handed over her wayward reptile, and Kinga rolled her eyes.

"Basic perception and situational awareness? I know those are hard to come by in this faculty."

"I mean, I didn't hire any of you for a D&D campaign, I don't care if you pass perception checks," Max said, shoving the couch back against the wall. "Donna, if you keep losing your classroom pets, I'm going to make you take them home with you. I'm sick of having animals roaming the halls. This is the third time this semester."

"In my defense, I let the rat go deliberately as a training exercise," Donna said.

"How is that a defense?" Kinga asked, brushing past them to pull her lunch out of the fridge. She sat down on the other side of the table and kicked at Jonah's feet. "Keep your legs to yourself, stilts."

"I was here first," Jonah said, but he tucked his feet under his chair.

"I swear to god, it's like you're all at the same level of emotional maturity as your students," Max sighed, sitting down on the couch and dropping his head into his hands. "I don't get paid enough for this."

"None of us do," Jonah said dryly. "Are you okay? You look a little off color."

"I've got a migraine building."

"So why are you here and not in the nurse's office?"

"Because there is nothing Synthia can do to help me."

"Why don't you just go home?" Kinga asked, unpacking her lunch onto the table and popping open a can of seltzer water. "It's not like you have classes to teach. No one's going to care if the principal's gone for the afternoon."

"Because I have six disciplinary meetings with parents in the next three hours, and I'd rather suffer than reschedule them."

"Here," Donna said, and pressed the gecko on him, which he took with a look of confusion. "Close your eyes."

"Uh, okay...?" Max did as he was told, and Donna put her fingers on his temples and started rubbing counterclockwise. "Wow, your hands are cold."

"That's to your benefit at the moment. Now be quiet." Kinga watched this scene for a moment and then scoffed.

"That's not going to stop a migraine," she said. "The only thing that's going to help him is chemistry."

"Oh, and I suppose you're just going to go concoct a painkiller from what you've got in the supply closet," Donna said scornfully.

"I was going to tell him to take the drugs he's got in his desk, but whatever," Kinga said, rolling her eyes.

"I did already," Max said.

"Shhhhh," Donna said. "Pet the lizard and be quiet."

"What therapeutic value does petting the lizard have?" Jonah asked.

"It keeps the little bastard from trying to get away while I’m doing this," Donna said. “Is this helping or making it worse?”

“It’s helping,” Max said.

“You mean the drugs are taking effect,” Kinga said.

“I don’t care what’s helping as long as something is helping,” Max said. “As long as I can make it to the end of the day without crying in my office, I’ll take whatever aid I can get.”

“You poor thing,” Donna said, and ran her fingers through his hair. He blinked up at her, taken aback and a little bit flushed, and held up the gecko silently. “Was that enough?”

“That’s fine,” Max said, waiting until she reclaimed the lizard. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it,” Donna said, and turned to go. As she passed the table, she plucked a cherry tomato out of Kinga’s salad and popped it into her mouth, and Kinga made a shrill sound.

“How dare you!”

“You stole fruit literally off my fork last week,” Donna said. “Deal with it.”

“Close your classroom door,” Jonah said, and Donna waved a hand dismissively as she made her exit.

“I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you, but you need to sort it out,” Max said. “Stealing each other’s food, what is this, preschool?”

“I’d say their level of mutual malice is more on a second grade level,” Jonah said.

“You’d know from grade school, you giant child,” Kinga said. Jonah sighed and got up to throw out his trash.

“You’re both on the same ineffective level of name-calling, too.”

“I don’t know what sins I committed in a past life to deserve any of you, but I hope to god I’m working them out this time around so my next life is better,” Max said.

“This is why you’re the best boss ever,” Kinga said sarcastically. “You value us so highly.”

“Look, I’m just trying to get everyone to pass their assessments so we don’t get our funding slashed,” Max said. “You’re all maintaining passing classes, but as soon as this bickering starts affecting your job performance, I’ll put the three of you in detention too.” He stood up with a sigh. “I forgot why I came in here in the first place.” Jonah pointed at the vending machine. “Oh, right. Chocolate. Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about us, Max. We tease each other because we’re such great friends,” Jonah said.

“Oh, yeah, I believe that about as far as I can throw you.”

“Well, it was worth a shot. I’m off to set the ceiling of my classroom on fire.”

“Make sure you’ve got the fire extinguisher ready before you light it up,” Kinga said. “You know what happened last time.”

“It was only a little scorched, it was fine,” Jonah said dismissively. 

“If you burn the school down, you’re definitely fired,” Max said, retrieving a package of M&Ms from the vending machine and turning to wrinkle his nose at Jonah. “See if you can do it without triggering an evacuation this time.”

“Oh, what’s a little fire drill between friends?”

“When I have a migraine? I’ll put you on detention duty through the end of the year. Don’t test me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jonah said, and held the door open for Max on his way out. “Good luck with those meetings.”

“Try not to cry in front of any students,” Kinga added. Max sighed heavily and headed for his office, and Jonah glanced back at Kinga to find her smirking. “When’s your demo?”

“About ten minutes after the bell.”

“Good, I’m going to creep from the office. I do love a good fireball.”

“You love any kind of chaos,” Jonah said, and she grinned.

“You know it.”

“Don’t be late, I’m not waiting on you.”

“Oh, get out of here,” she said, waving a hand at him, and Jonah snorted and left her to finish her lunch.


End file.
